Why Do I Always Blame Myself?
Self blame is one of the most common patterns I see in anxiety presentations. It is often described in psychological literature as a cognitive process, a distortion in thinking where responsibility is incorrectly or disproportionately attributed to oneself.
Yet in the therapy room, self blame is rarely just a thought.
Self blame is embodied, relational and protective.
When someone says, “I always blame myself,” their hand often moves instinctively to their chest. The shoulders round forward. The breath becomes shallow. There is tension, contraction, sometimes a visible ache. Self blame is lived in the body as much as it is held in the mind.
Understanding this matters, because if we treat it as purely cognitive, we miss its deeper function.
In this blog I explore self blame as a body mind process and discuss how it works as a defence meachnism and because it is a body mind process I offer reflective questions and a body mind practice in the end of the blog so you can explore your relationship with self blame, because not everyone needs therapy and if you want to have a chat feel free to reach out.
Self Blame as a Body Mind Process
Research into anxiety consistently shows that it involves physiological arousal, nervous system activation and heightened threat perception. The body is not secondary to the mind in anxiety. It is central.
Self blame often emerges within this state of activation. It can feel like an attempt to restore order.
If it was my fault, I can fix it.
If I caused it, I can prevent it next time.
If I am responsible, I have control.
From a psychological perspective, this links to what researchers describe as an internal attribution style. Studies on attribution theory suggest that people who habitually attribute negative events to internal, stable and global causes are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. However, what is sometimes overlooked is the protective function of this pattern.
For many people, blaming themselves feels safer than blaming others. It reduces the risk of conflict, rejection or punishment. Particularly in early environments where criticism, unpredictability or relational threat were present, turning distress inward may have been adaptive.
The nervous system learns that self blame maintains connection and reduces danger.
In that context, self blame is not weakness. It is a survival strategy.
The Illusion of Control
Self blame can create a sense of control in situations where control is limited or absent. Psychological research on perceived control shows that humans have a strong need to believe they can influence outcomes. When something painful happens, uncertainty can feel intolerable.
Blaming ourselves narrows the narrative. It simplifies complexity. It tells a coherent story.
It may be an illusion of control, but in moments of distress it can regulate overwhelming feelings. The difficulty arises when this becomes habitual. Over time, self blame keeps us anchored in hindsight thinking.
I should have known.
I should have done differently.
I should not have said that.
This repetitive mental replay strengthens anxiety pathways and reinforces the belief that we are fundamentally at fault.
When Self Blame Becomes Identity
There is an important distinction between taking responsibility for behaviour and globalising responsibility into identity.
Taking responsibility says, I made a mistake.
Self blame identity says, I am a mistake.
Research into shame and self criticism, particularly the work of Paul Gilbert on compassion focused therapy, highlights how repeated self attacking thinking can activate threat systems in the brain. When this becomes chronic, it shapes self concept. Self blame stops being about a specific situation and becomes a lens through which all situations are interpreted.
I always get it wrong.
I am difficult.
I ruin things.
This is just who I am.
At this stage, self blame is no longer situational. It is structural. It organises perception, memory and expectation. To avoid the emotional pain that accompanies this identity, we often develop coping strategies. Overworking, scrolling, binge watching, overthinking, people pleasing or emotional withdrawal are not random habits. They are attempts to regulate discomfort and protect the self from further shame.
Rebuilding Self Trust in Therapy
In therapy, the goal is not to eliminate responsibility. Accountability is healthy and necessary. The work is about differentiating between balanced responsibility and global self condemnation.
We begin by asking
what function self blame serves?
when did you learn it was safer to turn things inward?
what feels at risk if you do not blame yourself?
what would happen if responsibility were shared or contextualised?
We also work on rebuilding self trust. Anxiety and chronic self blame erode confidence in our own judgement and capacity to respond differently. If you believe you are fundamentally flawed, it becomes difficult to imagine alternative perspectives.
Therapeutically, we widen the frame. We explore context.
We consider multiple interpretations.
We separate behaviour from identity.
We develop compassion.
Compassion is not self indulgence. It is a regulatory state that calms threat systems and allows perspective to expand. Self forgiveness becomes possible when the nervous system feels safe enough to loosen its grip on self attack.
Moving Beyond the Past
Self blame is future focused in disguise. Although it keeps us stuck in the past, it is usually trying to prevent future harm.
When we build self trust, we can hold a different stance.
I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.
I can learn without condemning myself.
I can act differently now.
The shift is subtle but powerful. It moves us from identity based self blame to growth based reflection.
Self blame once helped you survive. It does not need to define you.
Reflective Questions for Working with Self Blame
You may wish to journal on these slowly and honestly.
When I blame myself, what am I hoping to prevent?
What feels more frightening, blaming myself or considering that the situation was more complex?
I often hear clients say If I did not define myself by this mistake, how else might I understand it. Maybe this lands with you too, maybe not. I wonder how you would support a friend in this situation?
What would I say to a close friend in the same situation as you?
What evidence do I have that I am always at fault.
When did I first learn that it was safer to take responsibility for everything?
How to approach this question: Can you remember more events when this is true for you? Creating a timeline with such events can be helpful to spot patterns and how these have led to “chronic” self-blame as a defence mechanism.
What would rebuilding self trust look like in small practical ways?
How to approach this question: Perhaps write self-trust in the middle of a paper and write around what you associate and then notice patterns, categories.
Body Based Mindfulness Practice for Self Blame
Notice the phrase you commonly use such as I should have.
Pause and bring gentle attention to your chest area.
Place a hand there if that feels natural.
Notice the physical sensations without trying to change them.
Take three slow breaths, lengthening the exhale slightly.
Say internally, This is self blame. It is trying to protect me.
Ask, What else might also be true.
Practising this regularly helps separate the automatic response from your identity and strengthens awareness.
Suggested Research and Further Reading
Gilbert, Paul 2009. The Compassionate Mind.
Leahy, Robert 2015. Emotional Schema Therapy.
Tangney and Dearing 2002. Shame and Guilt.
Neff, Kristin 2011. Self Compassion.
You may also find helpful resources through the NHS on anxiety and self help strategies.
